I Have a Kitchen

Betty Rocks, you bore me.

But i have a kitchen.

New Years Baby

Well of course. My dear friend, and hairstylist, Melanie had the DC area's first baby of the year at GW hospital. She was due Christmas Eve but I've heard that first babies are a bit reluctant to come out.

Here, if you care, so you don't have to register to washintonpost.com because it's annoying:

Area's First 2002 Baby Clocks In at 12:02 AM
GWU Hospital Gets Bragging Rights
By Michael Tunison

Melanie and Justin Jones expected their first child in time for Christmas, but their baby waited out the holiday and the rest of 2007, plus two minutes.

The couple welcomed Stella Inez Jones -- all 8 pounds 10 ounces of her -- into the world at 12:02 a.m. yesterday at George Washington University Hospital, making her the first baby born in 2008 in the Washington area, as reported by the region's major hospitals.

"Everybody was telling me to hold on, saying she could be one of the first born on New Year's Day. I couldn't think about that, really. I just wanted to get her out," Melanie Jones said from her hospital bed yesterday afternoon.

She went into labor about 4 a.m. Monday.

She spent yesterday resting in her room with Stella and her husband, as well as one of her three sisters, Michelle Veilleux, who is expecting her third child Jan. 19, and Michelle's husband, Jason.

Justin Jones was cradling Stella yesterday afternoon, jokingly wishing that the hospital provided rocking chairs.

"We'll probably be able to check out Thursday morning. She doesn't want to hang out here anymore," he said softly of Stella as she slept.

The Joneses, who live in Columbia Heights, are natives of the region. Melanie grew up in La Plata and Justin in Rawley Springs, Va. Melanie, 26, is the owner of Urban Style Lab, a hair salon in Dupont Circle. Justin, 28, is a songwriter and in the band Justin Jones & the Driving Rain.

The hospital staff at George Washington was excited to have the rare chance to deliver the area's first child of the year.

"I've been here more than 20 years, and this is the first time that GW has had the New Year's baby," said Therese Parillo, a nursing supervisor at the hospital. "Usually, it's Suburban or one of those other ones that sneak in front of us."

For babies whose births coincide with the changing of the calendar, there's a financial interest for parents: Children born before Jan. 1 can be declared as dependents on 2007 tax filings. A nursing staff member at Inova Alexandria Hospital said a mother decided to deliver 15 minutes before midnight to make that deadline. But, she added, the safety of the child is always the primary concern.

"People were saying to me that if she arrived before midnight, we could get the tax deduction, but if not, she could be a New Year's baby," Melanie Jones said. "To me, it didn't matter either way. I'm just glad that she's here."

Melanie and Justin Jones show off Stella Inez, 8 pounds 10 ounces, born at George Washington University Hospital in the District. (Family Photo)

Putting A Penis in A Vagina Usually Ends in A Baby

First off, there's no way I or anyone else affiliated with this blog can provide answers on getting partners to tattoo your name on themselves. I can only recommend a good friend of ours, who incidentally, can get bitches to tattoo his name on themselves and say I Love You within a span of 2 weeks. This good friend of ours that I speak of is of course, Bret Michaels. He can be reached at ===//* ... hold on, my number pad is acting up... ==''][ - ok, one more try; Bret's phone number is ^@^&^ ... alright well, sorry folks The Powers That Be are not interested in me sharing that information. Perhaps next time.

Onward to the most important piece of gossip I've heard all year, courtesy of my fellow fatso, Perez Hilton:

What's That You Say About Jamie Lynn's Baby?

To be fair, if I were Casey, I'd take a bajillionty dollars to say I was the father. It's a win-win situation folks, A. People think I banged Jamie Lynn Spears and B. Now I'm a rich heifer. Life is good, all because some 45 year old Disney exec let loose his Daddy/girl fantasy statutory rape style.

Oh man, if it's true, no matter how fucked (no pun intended) Jamie Lynn's career may be, that Disney exec is going to paying OUT THE ASS to ensure no one knows and he don't go to the pokey.

I love stupid celebrities.

How to Get Bitches to Tattoo Your Name on Themselves

I am not the in-house expert on today's subject matter but I had to start the blog out this way because it's fucking hilarious. And if you don't think misogyny and sexism are hysterical, you're obviously not the caliber of person it takes to hold such genius that Betty Rocks and I share.

You'll know when Betty Rocks is blogging as there will be spelling errors, typos, and grammatical errors intended to set off your OCD. Maryland Public Schools, job well done.

So be prepared for the most highly evolved close minded tirades brought to you by Blogger care of Google!! Keep in mind I will chastise Betty for the colored jokes as those will actually get someone killed. Mostly her.

You hear that Betty? No colored jokes...